So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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