i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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