"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
