Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
