My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
