you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
