Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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