I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
