4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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