I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
