I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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