i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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