How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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