I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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