no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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