i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My dick has a subreddit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
