if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
