U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
