hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize