I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Couch. On fire.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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