Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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