the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
