Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
