The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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