I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
