Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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