I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
