Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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