Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
