My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
