My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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