My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
