Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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