So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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