We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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