He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
