I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
