I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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