Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
