On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
