you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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