Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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