Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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