I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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