I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
