I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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