My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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