The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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