I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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