farters have to be the big spoon...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
