I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just want nice things and good sex
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
