so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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