Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
