I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
