Ambien. No doubt about it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
