I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
