i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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