I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
