Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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